Monday, December 12, 2016

Why does my IQ drop 10 points when I talk to a girl, and how can I get it to stop?

nervous when I talk to a girlThe Summa Theologica is downright amazing when describing how things really go down inside your head. According to Aquinas, when our “passions” (the part of the emotion you feel in your body) get going it hampers our ability to think and make decisions. Psychologists call this phenomenon an “amygdala hijack”.

When you’re in the presence of anything you fear, your body starts preparing itself for a life and death struggle, a place where you don’t need to think because you don’t have time, where your entire physiology is gearing itself towards getting you to safety. And come on, don’t we all feel fear talking to a beautiful woman? Nervousness, and, if you admit it to yourself, fear of what you’ll think of yourself if she does shut you down, the real cause of “fear of rejection”.

I mean it makes a kind of sense, who hasn’t been rejected by a woman, and immediately felt a tinge of despair, I mean, thoughts like “Well of course she doesn’t want me either”. Your mind sees things clearly even if you can’t verbalize it, if you think a course of action is leading you towards feelings of embarassment and despair, of course you’re going to get nervous, of course you’re going to want to get out of there, or not approach a girl at all.

So, what’s the solution? A bunch of cheesy self affirmations? “Positive Thinking” perhaps? You know the sort of thing that happens, people tell you that if you just think things will turn out right they will, but you also know the first time it doesn’t turn out right your belief in “Positive Thinking” falls apart, and you’re left feeling just as alone and desperate as before, probably worse.

But there is something you can do. There are some things you can learn. Aquinas discusses this very issue, of how a man can show bravery even when his “passions” are shutting him down.

What do you need to know and do to get this handled? More tips at

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Friday, November 25, 2016

A Few Words of Caution: #1 Women Aren’t Practice…

woman arent practice#1  There is a temptation to view “getting better with women” as a skill, in the same sense that kicking a football is a skill.

Women are human beings. They have desires and dreams just like the rest of us. Using a woman that you have no real interest in as a test subject for getting better at this “skill” is wrong. In the old days they used to call it leading someone on. Don’t make romantic advances towards a woman in a way that does not reflect what you truly intend. She does not exist for you to use her as a stepping stone towards someone you really do want. This is not to say that you shouldn’t talk to a woman unless you are interested in her. You should try to talk to as many people as possible, but if it is not right, then don’t take it further.

#2 Follow your conscience. If anything I recommend on this page contradicts a moral conviction of yours, don’t think it is “necessary”, and don’t follow it. You may want to research your conviction to see if it is true, but nothing is worth a bad conscience.

#3 Use your head. No advice relieves you of your duty to think. Now there is thinking and there is thinking. “Take 3 Steps” doesn’t mean walking towards a bridesmaid during a wedding ceremony! An exaggeration, but I think you get the point.

#4 Don’t be afraid to step away and come back later. Getting immersed in learning about human relationships is easy to do. It’s fascinating and it is fun. But don’t just keep pressing on, a good rule of thumb is that if you’re getting more and more tired while researching, it’s time to stop for a little while.

#5 Take all of this as serious as necessary, and no more so! You can’t stop mistakes from happening, and you shouldn’t let fear of mistakes keep you from doing anything. Try to keep perspective, as CS Lewis talks about in the Screwtape Letters, we are all subject to the “law of undulation”, energy, interest, and ability are not static or linear.

Keep your head straight,

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Friday, October 21, 2016

Moving Smoothly From Interaction to Phone Number

Phone NumberThis qualifies as a “rule of thumb”, which means there may be some times where this does not apply.

If you’ve gotten to hello and had a good interaction, it is best to set up a date right then and there. This is also one of the few times where having some concrete plan beforehand is a good idea. Suggest dinner, coffee, walk in the park, whatever, and set up a date and time. Asking for her phone number flows naturally, so you can coordinate.

This is a solid idea for several reasons. First, it robs the whole “getting the digits” thing of formality. It makes it easier for her to give you her phone number. Next, if you set a date and time, you can cut down on the irritating problem of getting a girl’s phone number, only to have her never pick up. You probably won’t completely get rid of this problem, but the “flake rate” will start trending down.

This is also a good “leading” behavior, and can communicate decisiveness. You also are seeing how “serious” she is about you, giving her a chance to say no. So on that level it’s also a great time and effort saving device.

An extra word about “fear” since that seems to be the dominant experience holding most men who have trouble dating back. I know that when I first started, actually talking to girls was a big enough step, and I  didn’t usually take it to the next step.

Aquinas makes a distinction between two kinds of fear, a rational fear, the kind of thing that keeps you from walking out into traffic, and irrational fear. Irrational fear is, generally, when you let a fear of a small thing overwhelm your pursuit of a greater thing. This is why we admire courage, if there was nothing to fear it wouldn’t be that laudable.

You don’t have to “feel” brave to “be” brave,

Maintain a a healthy sexual relationship – click here for more information



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Friday, October 7, 2016

How to be truthful to your partner

A healthy relationship is built based on trust and also honesty, being honest and truthful to your partner is also another way of giving each other a secure feelings and also trust whenever your partner is not around. So remember to apply these two things in your relationship, never lie and be yourself.

There are some areas that you can start by being honest to each other, now here are some of the areas to explore.

1. Plans and Objectives. Before your relationship becoming more serious, it’s important to see if you both have the same plans for the future. Stable relations were damaged over time because partners have not talked openly about what they want in the future, so if you think seriously talked candidly about what you want.

2. Money. In a period in which the financial aspect is a problem, the subject of money is really essential for a couple. There should be no secrets about the size of your wallet. I know that money is a very sensitive thing to discuss, but I’ve seen many relationships were torn apart because there was no honesty regarding how much you earn, spend, save and all these problems could lead into many kind of arguments even an affair, so you really need to clear things up about this money issue with your partner and no secrets.

3. Sex. They say that sex is not the most important element in a relationship, but that does not mean is not significant. If something goes wrong for any of you, then you need to discuss this with your partner. I know that It is always embarrassing to talk about sex, but if you really love your partner then you’d want her/him to be happy and also save right? Also in a future, if you want to have children then you should talk about any issues regarding your sex life with your partner, don’t be shy and just be opened.

4. Work. Stress at work will follow you home. Even if you try to keep your worries aside a terrible day at work is reflected in the attitude you have when you get home. Should you talk to your lover about the problems they encounter because if you do not, you might like to explode at some point.

5. Bad habits. A small number of bad habits can cause substantial damage to the couple. And you have to tell your lover what bothers you and what ticks may correct them. At the same time, you have to be prepared to hear that you’re not perfect either.

Talk to your lover about the things you expect from him and from your life as a couple. Give him a chance to know you as you are and do not let him create a wrong impression about you, because the truth will come out soon or later.

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Are You In A Love Depression?

Are you in a love depression?  This is where your heart has been broken and you feel low about it.  You may believe that you will never have another romance.  Here’s what to do if you are in a love depression.

First of all, you need to recognize that, however painful, this is a temporary period in your life.  You will get through your love depression.  But, you may need help.

Turn to your friends and family during this tough period in your life.  They will always be there for you.  Don’t be afraid to cry on their shoulders.  One of the ways you will know when you have come out of the love depression is when you yourself are bored with talking about your ex.

But, if your friends and family get tired of hearing about your ex before you are healed, it may behoove you to go into counseling.  A trained therapist can help you work through the break up issues.  By talking to a counselor, you will be able to identify many issues in your life.  Some of these will be about why you and your ex broke up.  Others will help you be a better boyfriend or girlfriend in the future.

Sometimes talk therapy isn’t enough.  When this happens, you need to see a psychiatrist who can put you on anti-depressant medication.  Prozac, Paxil, and other SSRI’s can make a big difference in how you feel about the world.  Don’t be embarrassed to ask for medical help when you need it.
There are other things you can do for yourself when you are in a love depression.  For instance, when you go to the gym to work out, you not only improve your body, you also improve your mood.  Getting your body moving sends chemicals to the brain which elevate your mood.
Pampering yourself can also help you believe that you are a worthwhile person.  Getting a massage can bring a physical relief to your weary body.
Sometimes eating, in moderation, can soothe your soul.  Chocolate, ice cream, and comfort foods all help ease the pain of a break up.  Don’t overdo it and gain too much weight though, because you don’t want to ruin your physique.
Perhaps the best tonic for love depression though, is falling in love with someone new.  Remember that in order to do that, you have to get back in the game.  Don’t believe that you have to be 100 percent ready for a new relationship before you start dating again.  When someone asks you out or strikes your fancy, have coffee with them.  Go to the ballgame with a friend who might be interested in being more.
At some point, you have to get back on the dating scene.  Whether talking to your friends, going into therapy, getting some psychiatric medication, or treating your condition yourself, you need to work out a way to cure your love depression.  The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll feel a lot better.

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Thursday, September 29, 2016

What Women Say They Like is “Secondary”

We all know the laundry list of what women say they like in men, “confidence, “funny”, etc. And the truth is that this is actually pretty accurate, women do like these things.

Unfortunately it’s also true that trying to be confident and funny leads to a man bombing nine times out of ten. Knowing why women say these things, and why your attempts fail, however can lead you to the key to creating instant real attraction to women. Not knowing why is the root of the problem that most men when they try to “be what women want” and end up crashing and burning.

Women aren’t being dishonest. They really do like confident, funny men. The thing is, confident, funny behaviors are “secondary”. They are the side effects of the primal qualities of the naturally attractive man. He acts confident because he is strong and courageous, and that strength and courage creates changes in his body language and personal style which women label confidence. He says humorous things, because he is relaxed and secure, the same way it’s always easier to be funny around your friends, you are relaxed and secure with them.

What Women Say

This is also why attempts to be confident or funny fail when you directly pursue them. When you go after side effects instead of primal principles, you come off as “macho”, posturing inauthentic masculinity, or “clownish”, humor that stems from a desire to be liked more than anything else.

Most of what concerns us are really the secondary effects of the major choices that we make. Thoughts present themselves to our minds and we validate or invalidate them based on our real principles, leading to action or inaction. A man who postures at manliness is a man who has validated the idea that he is not a man, but has to pretend to be to get what he wants. A man who is really confident has validated the idea that he is a man and doesn’t need to posture.

The concrete steps you can take are as follows. Courage is present in all of us a little bit. We have all done brave things, even if they were only little brave things. We know how to be courageous. But courage is like a muscle, to get stronger, you have to use it. Every time a fearful thought presents itself to your mind, their reaches a point, where you can make a deliberate choice to either validate that thought, accept it as genuine, or invalidate it, not let it be a factor. And we all know when a fear is big enough to legitimately change our actions, nobody feels guilty about not walking into traffic. It is the illegitimate fears that nail us, that weaken our strength, cause us to feel guilty and think ill of ourselves.

Every fear is like an object being presented to you, in your mind,  regardless of your feelings, you also know whether it should cause you to change course or not. Fear of a girl you don’t know not liking you is total nonsense. So, you can validate it, and get the bonus prizes of shame, guilt, and regret, or you can invalidate it, with the added bonuses of increased strength and confidence.

No one can make this decision for you, which is kind of like being a man,

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Saturday, July 30, 2016


My first visit to CHM was in late August 1996. It was supposedly a good place for young people and should be ideal for my 13 year old son James and I’d heard right. It’s also a pretty good place for adults!

First some basic details. CHM is on the Atlantic coast of South West France, some 50 miles North West of Bordeaux. It is big: over 1800 pitches and over 40 acres. It has two private, naturist, beaches, a very comprehensive selection of shops and a cash machine. Most pitches have some shade from trees, mainly pine, and some sun. The surrounding countryside is mostly pine forests. If you have bicycles, there are cycle tracks, quiet roads, virtually no hills and the pine forests give shelter from any wind. The site is very adequately supplied with toilets, showers (hot and cold) and wash places. All kept frequently and properly clean. All types of mainly free activities are available such as acquirability, yoga, swimming pools, discos and many others. A few activities have to be paid for, these include tennis courts, archery and the ‘clubs ‘for small children. I’m not sure about any charges for ‘Village Artisanal’ for painting, sculpture and their other activities.2

Like Britain, South West France has Atlantic weather, but is of course warmer. Even so there may be cooler or rainy days but on most days in July and August finding suitable shade for an afternoon siesta was almost essential. The sea is not at Mediterranean temperatures but just fine to cool off and for some exercise. There is often good surf and many people use body boards. Certainly the sea seems to be much to the liking of the young people. Quite a number of people use wetsuits and stay in the sea for long periods.

Even if you don’t surf, the waves make for an interesting swim. You can also walk naked for miles (southwards) along the beach although beyond the CHM beach it is not officially naturist. The beach is almost all sandy. – Food is of course very important, and most French food calls for wine. Restaurants (3 course meals from about 55FF) ‘take aways’ and a very comprehensive range of fresh food, meat and drink available from the shops should cover all needs. There are more shops and a market in Montalivet village and the nearest hypermarkets – for widest choice and lowest prices – are in Lesparre (15 miles).

As seems to be normal now, the site could best be described as clothes optional. Not ideal for a naturist venue but it may be preferred by young people in your family. The beach and the pool are however definitely naturist; CHM security staff will ask people to remove clothes if they try to go on the beach dressed (except in a wet suit or towel).

And why so good for young people?

Firstly its a question of size. Because CHM is such a big site you will find a reasonable number of children and young people of all ages playing football or going to the child or youth discos. The occasional disco ‘SoirĂ©e Hexamousse’ when they fill the disco hall with foam is a great favourite (clothes and any shoes will get wet!). CHM seems a pretty safe place for children of all ages, lost children, if wearing their badge, will soon find someone to take them home.

Equally however CHM is fine for adults but, if you’re allergic to children, don’t go in school holidays.

One of the great attraction is the many red squirrels on the site, although not tame, will come quite close if you stay still. – CHM certainly attracts a lot of regular visitors – many loyal over decades. There are a considerable number of permanent sites – chalets and mobile homes.

Even though this was my fourth visits I’m still a newcomer but I have certainly been made to feel extremely welcome and enjoyed a number of invitations to supper.

Gordon Fraser


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